Overserved
by Crackinois
Summary: When the cable goes out, Jane's anticipated Saturday of football watching goes awry.  A Rizzoli & Isles parody of the 1970s Britcom "Are You Being Served."
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Notes:** First of all, this fic is entirely **ssa-rtune's** fault. Second, this is total crack!fic. **It is a Rizzoli & Isles parody of the 1970s British comedy "Are You Being Served."** If you have never seen AYBS, the following will likely make absolutely no sense. You have been warned.

**Overserved, _Part 1 of 2_**

It wasn't fair. No, it just patently wasn't fair. There was…there was… Jane mashed repeatedly on all of the remote buttons in a blind fit of rage. There was stuff on! Stuff. Any stuff. Any channel with any stuff had to be better than this.

She flopped dramatically down onto the sofa, lips puckered in a childish pout as a guttural growl rumbled up from her chest and clawed out through tightly pursed lips.

"Anything…any channel," she whined, "anything but public television."

Maura watched, amused, from Jane's kitchen as she put the finishing touches on lunch, "We could always go out, catch a matinee? Oh! Or perhaps check out the Degas and the Nude exhibit at the Museum of Fine Art?"

Jane quirked one eyebrow as she craned her head slowly towards her girlfriend, "Really!"

"The evolution of the nude figure in Degas' work is fascinating. In fact his later pieces were for the time, shockingly frank in their depiction of the nude in contemporary or personal settings." Maura waggled her eyebrows as she took a seat next to Jane and offered her the plate of sandwiches.

"Babe, you know if you're feeling a little randy you don't have to butter me up with nudey art…at the museum…in public…where everyone can see the big butch cop and her femme girlfriend checking out the nudey art."

Maura chuckled, "I sincerely hope you're just having a go at me and aren't still that self-conscious about our relationship."

Jane huffed. "It's just…we said we were going to spend a relaxing day off at home…relaxing…watching football…and relaxing." She slammed her bare heels onto the coffee table.

"Mmm," Maura nodded turning her attention towards the television, "Yes, watching football with you is always so…relaxing." She reached for the remote and checked the channels. "Public Access…QVC…Oh! Jane! C-SPAN, question time with the Prime Minister! It's quite entertaining…" her amused giggles were cut short as she caught a glimpse of Jane's pained face.

"They…" Maura smiled sheepishly, "yell and boo. It can get quit brash and irreverent."

"Maura…"

Maura switched the channel, "PBS, then?"

"UGH!" Jane folded her arms, resigned to her fate, "I hate PBS."

"I make quite a sizeable donation to WGBH Boston every year."

Jane chuckled, pulling Maura towards her as they cozied up on the sofa, "Of course you do."

"Did you know that WGBH is one of the largest producers of educational programming in the country?"

A theatrical gasp filled the air, "I did not!" Jane feigned horror at her lack of knowledge as she brought her hand in faux apology to her chest.

Maura pursed and twisted one side of her mouth in obvious exasperation, "I've said it before but I'll say it again, you do know not many people would put up with your abuse?" Jane's face relaxed in genuine recognition of her near childlike tantrum. "Besides," Maura continued, "I highly doubt you hate PBS. You probably grew up watching childhood staples brought to you by public television."

"Like what?" Jane scoffed.

"Sesame Street for one…"

"No way! That was PBS?" Jane's jaw dropped. "I loved Sesame Street. Bert and Ernie were my favorite."

Maura snickered, glancing down at her lap and their intertwined hands and then back to Jane, "How apropos," she finished with a wink. "In any event, other children's classics like The Reading Rainbow…"

"Oh!" Jane slapped her knee as she thought, "Yeah! Yeah! With the guy from Star Trek!"

A confused look covered Maura's face, "William Shatner wasn't on Reading Rainbow?"

"No, Maur, not Captain Kirk. From the Next Generation, the Engineer guy…" Jane motioned towards her eyes, "blind…wore the special visor and it gave him like super cool infrared and micro…umm, not that I watched a lot of Star Trek or anything…" her voice trailed off.

Maura patted Jane's leg as she swung her feet up on the sofa and leaned back, nestling into Jane's side.

"Ok," Jane admitted as she placed a conciliatory kiss to Maura's temple, "I guess I have watched a lot of PBS. But, I think we're a little old for Sesame Street or Reading Rainbow."

"Well, fortunately for us, PBS has also carved out a niche in broadcasting British costume dramas and comedies and according to the tv guide they're running a marathon of the Are You Being Served series." Maura smiled as she reached for another finger sandwich, "I've seen it before, it's very funny…once you pick up on the idiosyncrasies of British humor. Very little is taboo in topic and they're quite fond of sexual innuendo and tend towards being heavily sarcastic. On that note, this might be right up your alley!"

She didn't want to like it; mostly for the sake of continuing the contrary tone she had initiated that afternoon. The theme song was legitimately obnoxious, the grating screeching and clanking sound effect of an old-timey cash register. Maura was right, the humor was odd and the slang very different, but in just a few episodes Jane had picked up on it.

The show was nonetheless, quite funny and before they knew it, it was well into the afternoon and no effort had been made to move from the sofa.

Maura shifted onto her side, hand stroking lightly across Jane's ribs as she buried her face into the crook of the detective's neck.

"You know, I had a job in a department store…in high school," Jane snorted as the memory came back.

"Oh?" Maura's voice was groggy, as she closed her eyes and exhaled.

"Yeah, over the Christmas holiday one year. It was terrible, they stuck me at customer service doing gift wrap."

Maura laughed, drawn slightly back from the edge of slumber, "But…you're a terrible gift wrapper."

"Yeah, so the customers told me…every day…eight hours a day."

Maura shifted again, trying to wrap herself tighter around Jane's body, "I never had an…after school job? Is that what you call it?"

"Shocking," Jane chuckled, letting her arms encircle Maura tighter.

"I did a lot of volunteer work though."

"Mmm," Jane kissed the top of her head, "Not the same. When you volunteer, people actually appreciate what you're doing. The retail customers and the ones at my cousin's restaurant where I worked after were horrible. They treated us like crap, like we were slaves with no feelings. They'd make messes just to make them and of course we'd have to clean them up. No matter how horrible a customer was, we could never say anything because…the customer is always right and all that bullshit."

Jane looked down but Maura's eyes were closed, her breath light and regulated. _A nap does sound good._

* * *

><p>Jane watched from behind the glass as the suspect squirmed. Sweat pooled profusely on his half-bald head; he reached occasionally to wipe his brow with a yellow-tinged and stained handkerchief. He wore an atrocious and ill-fitting plaid sport coat with…well they could only be…polyester trousers. He looked like a used car salesman, from the 1970s.<p>

She checked her watch. It wasn't like Frost and Korsak to be late to an interrogation. The man was pacing the room now. He removed the heinous sport coat but upon noticing the sopping stains spreading out from the armpit of his button up, opted to put the blazer back on. Jane raised an eyebrow and sneered in disgust.

"Later that same day…" Jane exasperated as she stood up and headed back to the bullpen, "if they think I'm going to sit here and let this dude marinate in there until interrogation smells like half-time in the Patriots' locker room they've got another thing…"

Empty. No one was in the bullpen. _What the_… Jane walked over to her desk and spied a note: _Went on coffee break. Down in the Café. ~Korsak and Frost._

"Does no one work around here!" Jane threw her hands up and made her way towards the elevator.

* * *

><p>Angela looked around to make sure no customers were approaching as she pulled out a small compact and ran her fingers through her rosy pink coiffeur, smoothing out an errant strand that had come loose during the last round of frenetic baking.<p>

"Angela," Korsak sidled up to the counter, "how are sales today?"

She snapped the compact closed and smiled, "Oh you know Sgt. Detective, Ding-dongs are up and Ho-Hos are down. Same old same old."

Korsak smiled a mischievous smile, "Ah, well I do love a good ding-dong from time to time."

"I'll bet you do, Sgt." Angela winked as she handed him a pastry and snickered as he sashayed back to the table where he and Frost were having coffee.

She reached for the coffee pot and refilled Maura's cup, "Dr. Isles, do you ever get the feeling there's something…a little off about Sgt. Korsak?"

Maura adjusted her silk cravat and brushed her hands down the front of her vest, "You mean, besides his peculiar affection for ding-dongs?" They both laughed. "No, no I can't say as I have. I never did care much for ding-dongs though. Especially not for lunch."

"Tuna?" Angela offered her a plastic container.

"Oh! Now that's more to my tastes," Maura replied with the sly quirk of her eyebrow.

Jane burst through the doors of the café in an overdramatic display, stopping just inside the doorway; she folded her arms and surveyed the inhabitants. "Well, I'm glad to see everyone is enjoying their tea time," she grumbled.

Maura glanced over her shoulder and wiggled her fingers in the air as she smiled, "Jane! Jane! Over here."

She trudged over, giving Frost and Korsak her best Rizzoli stare on the way. "Shouldn't you be down in the morgue? Finishing that autop…oh! Is that tuna?" Maura nodded. "I love tuna!"

Maura grinned, "Yes, your mother and I were just discussing that. Apparently Sgt. Korsak prefers ding-dongs…for lunch."

Jane snorted, "Yeah, none of his wives were able to break him of that." She leaned down as Maura offered a taste of her tuna. "Mmmm," she smiled, smoldering brown eyes dragging from Maura's lips, down her fine neck to her… "What are you wearing?"

Maura shimmied, "It's vintage!"

With the roll of her eyes Jane turned to lean against the counter, "Why didn't anyone tell me it was retro-Tuesday? I would have dug out a pair of bell bottoms."

"Anyway, Angela. You were saying? About your plans this evening?" Maura wiped daintily at the corners of her mouth, giving Jane a wink.

"Oh you know, nothing fancy really. Sometimes after a long day at work I just like to curl up on the sofa, with a glass of wine, under a nice warm blanket and stroke my pussy." The cash register clinked and clanked as Angela took a payment.

Jane arched an eyebrow, looking at Maura and then at her mother, "Ma, I'm not sure it's healthy…how much you pamper your cat."

"On the contrary Jane!" Maura interjected, "Many studies have shown that women who partake in such relaxing activities as stroking their pussy live longer!"

"It has fleas," Jane retorted.

Angela scoffed, "Jane! Are you saying I don't keep my pussy clean!"

Jane raised her hand and shook her head, "Ma, we've been over this, however often you wash your cat is your business. Anyway, I've got work to do."

She stalked towards the door, kicking it gruffly and catching it, holding it open with her hand. Glancing over at the table where her current and former partners sat, apparently enraptured by each other's company, Jane growled, calling out, "Sgt. Korsak! Are you free?"

Korsak's ears perked at the sound of his name as he hopped deftly off the tall stool, "I am freeeeee!" he answered as he minced gayly towards her.

* * *

><p><strong>Based loosely on the episode "Dear Sexy Knickers."<strong>

Angela Rizzoli as Mrs. Slocombe

Maura Isles as Miss Brahms

Jane Rizzoli as Mr. Grainger

Sgt. Vince Korsak as Mr. Humphreys

Barry Frost as Mr. Lucas

Appearing in the next episode: Lt. Cavanaugh as Captain Peacock


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Thanks very much for indulging me in this little bit of whimsy!

**Part 2**

Korsak flounced into the elevator, a cheeky smile on his face as he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. He spruced his pocket square, adjusted his tie and then looked at Jane who was eyeing him up and down with a strange fascination.

"Problem?" he asked.

"Everybody's dressed really weird today…" Jane chortled as she shook her head.

"So!" Korsak clapped his hands together, "How shall we proceed? With the interrogation."

"Well," Jane considered it, "I think we should both go in together…"

"Ohhh definitely, we should both go in," Korsak's voice ratcheted up to an unnatural pitch.

Jane quirked an eyebrow, "And he seems pretty squirmy so if we tag team him pretty hard…"

"Well isn't that extraordinary! I do love a good tag team!" Korsak waggled his eyebrows.

"Yes, yes I'd imagine you do, Sgt. Korsak," Jane laughed again as the elevator arrived on their floor.

* * *

><p>Jane and Korsak emerged from the interrogation room thankful for the breath of fresh air. Jane took a whiff of her collar and wrinkled her nose.<p>

"I swear!" Korsak started, "I've never seen a man sweat that much outside of a bout of very vigorous pounding and hammering!"

"Excuse me?" Jane cleared her throat trying to dislodge the stomach turning lump that had settled there.

"Construction," Korsak smiled, "Summer job, when I was younger. Nothing like being bare-chested and covered in sweat with a bunch of other virile young men…"

Jane held up her hand, "Please, spare me the details…In any event, good work in there getting that guy to confess so quickly."

Korsak smiled, brushing his fingers in a display across his chest as if the interrogation had been a piece of cake, "My wives always did say I was quick to close the deal."

Lt. Cavanaugh poked his head out of his office, "Sgt. Korsak, are you free?"

"I am free!"

"Interrogation over?" Cavanaugh asked as he stepped into the bullpen.

"Yes sir," Jane interjected, "Suspect confessed, he's being taken to booking now. Sgt. Korsak and I were about to head back down to the café and finish our coffee from earlier if you'd like to join us."

"Ah, I could stand a good cup of coffee, head on down there and I'll be along shortly. But, no talk of work, it's been a busy few days, let's keep the conversation light and gay," Cavanaugh smiled.

Jane took a quick look at Korsak and back to the Lieutenant, "Well, I'll handle the light part."

* * *

><p>The café was bustling as they walked through the doors. Frost was still occupying the same table as when they had left, likewise, Maura was still thoroughly ensconced at the counter talking to Angela in between customers. Jane looked over and pondered her mother's powder blue coiffeur.<p>

"Save me a seat guys, I'll place our orders with Ma." Jane sidled up next to Maura and leaned against the counter on her elbows, "You been sitting here this whole time?"

Maura looked up with a toothy grin, "Well, Jane, you were hardly gone anytime and Angela and I were having such pleasant conversation."

Jane's face contorted as she tapped into her memory, her eyes dragged from her mother's bouffant hair down to the brown polyester uniform she wore, "Did you…" she gestured to her own hair, "…change your hair in the time I was gone?"

"Don't be silly Jane." Angela gave Maura a wink.

Jane took the coffees her mother handed her and rejoined her partners.

"Jane…" Frost fiddled nervously with the stirring straw in his beverage, "you're uh, you're like…really good friends with Dr. Isles?"

Jane glanced towards Maura, watched how the fluorescent lights that were normally so unflattering glinted off her perfect caramel brown locks. Maura glanced over her shoulder and caught Jane's eye and waved. She was just about to wave back when she saw Frost start to wave before looking up at her and stopping himself.

"So…I mean, I was wondering," Frost stammered, "since you know Maura so well and all…do you think…I'd have a chance? Like, if I asked her out?"

She knew she should tell him, save him the embarrassment. _Barry_, she ran it over in her mind, how she'd put her hand on his shoulder, look into his young, naïve brown eyes…_you know how when you go to the fair and there's all the different food stands? Well, asking a woman out is kind of like that, do you follow me? _He'd shake his head no._ Well, you gotta figure out what kind of food she likes, to start off on the right foot. Some women go to the fair and will be wooed by a corn dog…and some…well, some look for the fish tacos._

"I told him he should write her a note," Korsak smiled proudly.

Jane nodded, this was too good to pass up, "Oh, definitely. Yes, a note."

Frost pulled out a piece of paper and a pen and stared down at the blank expanse as he thought, tapping the butt of the pen against his lip he finally brought the tip to the paper. "Dear Sexy Legs…"

"Subtle…" Jane cleared her throat and motioned for him to continue.

He looked up and then back at the note, "I think you are pretty hot…" he continued.

"Very romantic…" Korsak gestured for him to keep writing.

"Meet me by the morgue bay doors at 5:30 so we can hook up." Now, how will I get the note to her without Cavanaugh seeing me, you know how he is about fraternizing during work hours."

Maura glanced over her shoulder in their direction again.

"Oh! She's looking! Wave at her!" Korsak encouraged. Frost waved and Maura reciprocated. "Now, beckon her over!"

Just as Frost was beckoning Maura she looked away and Angela looked up, with a sly smile.

"Oh dear," Frost said as Korsak's eyes got wide and Jane chuckled under her breath.

Angela poured Maura another cup of coffee and offered her a cookie, "Anyway, as I was saying…I don't get out much now that Mr. Rizzoli's no longer living at home. I mean there's only so much satisfaction one can get from sitting around alone every night stroking their pussy. And at my age I can't very well go round to the bar, with all those men ogling at me…well, not every night anyway…my pussy tends to get right mad if I don't tend to her needs fairly regularly."

"I got it, ok, I got it…" Frost began to fold the note in the shape of a paper football, lined it up on the table and then flicked it across the café.

Korsak scoffed, "You missed by a mile! You should have let me flick it, I always had a soft touch with balls." Korsak turned from Jane to Frost with a questioning look, "Anyway, you'd better go pick it up before Cavanaugh sees it."

Frost hopped off his chair and made a beeline for the note only to run smack into Lt. Cavanaugh, "Lt! I was just…we're all right over here waiting for you." He scurried back to the table and watched in horror as Cavanaugh stooped to pick up the note.

The Lieutenant looked around and spying Angela just finishing up with a nearby customer, "Mrs. Rizzoli, are you free?"

"I am free, Lt. Cavanaugh," she pranced quickly back to the register.

"I will have a cup of coffee and…whatever your freshest pastry is…though, not a ding dong, I don't care much for those, and…I believe this was waiting for you," he tossed the note on the counter and made his way to join his detectives.

"What's that?" Maura inquired, pointing at the little paper football.

"Appears to be a note, Lt. Cavanaugh gave it to me," Angela began to pull the crude origami apart. "Dear Sexy Legs…" her eyes widened as she continued to read the note aloud to Maura.

Maura peeked over the counter to get a glimpse of Angela's legs.

"You know," Angela ran a hand through her tangerine colored locks, "I always thought I had nice legs. Before I got pregnant…three times, I had quite the collection of mini-skirts!"

* * *

><p>Maura propped herself up on her elbow and watched Jane sleep. She had been awakened slowly. First, there was the faintest twitching of Jane's body on which she was partially laying atop. As the dream became more vivid, Jane's long limbs began to jerk. The laughing…the laughing was what finally coaxed Maura out of her slumber. Jane was having a dream, a very active dream, apparently a quite humorous one at that.<p>

Her eyelids fluttered and the corners of her mouth turned up as another series of demure chuckled bubbled out. Though she had no idea what play of folly Morpheus could have possibly concocted to have Jane so entertained she found she couldn't fight the giggles that watching Jane in this state brought out.

"Jane…Jane…" Maura placed her hand on Jane's chest and shook her gently. "Jane, wake up."

"I am free…" Jane mumbled as she awoke, looking up at Maura and then around to realize she was in her apartment.

"Jane? You appeared to be having quite a strange dream," Maura ran her fingers through Jane's sleep mussed tresses as her girlfriend had a hearty laugh.

"Maur, you don't even know the half of it."


End file.
